i have a good life.
it's not really a secret.
i don't mean to brag, but i feel as though sharing my blessings has come across as bragging to many lately. i've had so many people telling me that they are jealous of my life. that keeping a blog is narcissistic. that i make life look fun. yes, i have a fantastic life. i have an awesome relationship with my dad. he's one of my very best friends, and we like to go on adventures together. i have some of the very best friends in the world that take my crazy and run with it. they love exploring with me, and i'm blessed to have them in my life. God gave me talents that i'm have been able to use to make a difference lately. i have outlets to express my creativity. i have a support system that never ceases to make me feel strong. i have a good life.
but it's not perfect.
i'm not perfect.
for several months last year, from about may-september, i struggled through some dark times. i didn't like where i was in my life. nothing was the way i thought it should be. everything had changed. mom had died. i had been betrayed by the disloyalty of someone that i was deeply in love with. i had just graduated college and had no plan. i wanted to be miserable. i wanted to make everyone miserable. one morning, about mid-july, i woke up and decided that i was tired of feeling the way i was feeling. from that point on, i had to make a conscious effort every single morning when i woke up that i was going to do everything i could to be happy that day. i wanted to change. i knew that in order to find my way out of whatever hole i had stumbled into, i needed to stop focusing on yesterday. i went on a one year dating fast. i started reading my bible more. i spent quiet moments with God. i learned that it was okay to disappear from the world for a little while and take time to rest. i learned that dark times are okay as long as i'm constantly trying to find my way back to brighter days. by october, my life had started changing significantly. i was back designing costumes, i was speaking with graduate programs, i had a job that i liked that paid my bills, and i was waking up with a smile. i didn't have to try most days. it just happened. not every day is going to be great; not every day may even be good. it's my outlook that matters. it's about taking a step back on the days that are less than desirable and saying, "i have a good life."
i've seen so many bloggers talk about this, but i still feel like it's important for me to say it too. i think a lot of us that blog have 'soft hearts.' we blog because we want to document our lives. our blogs are living museums that we curate. we visit them almost daily, and we don't notice big changes until we look at the months gone by. we watch ourselves grow. we watch ourselves become better daughters. better sisters. better followers of Christ. better friends. better artists. better chefs. better people. the changes that we make in our lives are still active decisions that we have to make every day. we open our lives up, and it's kind of vulnerable.
i feel like i'm misleading people if my life seems perfect.
sometimes, i feel like flopping on the couch and watching mindless television instead of running. sometimes, i feel like staying in my bed all day instead of getting out of the house and doing something. sometimes, it's much easier to eat piles of 'empty calories' instead of fixing something that's really good for my body. i don't mean to sound arrogant in the least. i'm simply trying to say that i'm nothing out of the ordinary. the choices i've made are choices that anyone else can make. and no, i don't always have a healthy breakfast. i often run out the door with cinnamon toast waffles. i have my share of sweets. sometimes, i sleep in on my days off. i don't always run when i should. i go to work with dirty hair. i wake up late. my clean laundry sits in piles at the end of my bed for days. i work up until my deadlines. occasionally, i break down and have a soda. yup. sometimes, i can't resist the high fructose sugary awfulness. i procrastinate. my inbox fills up, and i put off responding to important emails. i ignore the dust that piles up on my bookshelf. i have a to-do list that seems to grow more than it shrinks. my friend lauren put it perfectly: on paper, i'm 30; in person, i'm 12. my life is not perfect, but it is good.
when i'm having a crappy day, i make a cup of tea. i take a nap. i read my bible. i cuddle with my puppy. i get a beer with my dad. i watch television with my sister. i sew something. i crochet something. i find a way to make it better.
p.s. this is the first post in my new 'tea on tuesday' feature where i plan to 'sit down' with you all and have a brutally honest conversation about something. join me for a cup of tea and honesty?